Tuesday, October 7, 2014


i remember the first time i heard that word
It was so sudden when it erupted off their tongues
burning my young ears and stunning me
piercing me
little did i know then
that i had just be demoted
to animal status
no longer human.
noun. commonly referred to women
who don't give a flying fuck anymore
women who will not smile
women who are Bossy
women who are aggressive
or in other words,
women who have power and strength
and are not afraid to use it
sometimes used to lessen men
by comparing them to women
as if women were not strong
as if women were inferior to men
and to be compared to one
would be akin to a social death sentence

Don't call her a bitch just because
she will not serve you
Don't call her a bitch just because
she will not smile at your catcalls
at your
dehumanizing "compliments"
She is not just something to stuff your cock into
she is not there for your entertainment


On my ninth birthday
my mother baked a beautiful cake
with white kool-whip like thick snow
on top of the heavenly yellow
my family was gathered around me
i had just had my favorite food for
my home cooked meal
my family surrounded me in an ocean of love
i was swimming, drinking the love

The candles were lit
shining white lampposts in the dark room
and everyone grew quiet
looking at me with adoration and pride
they really looked at me
but when it came time for me
to blow out the candles

I wished I were different

Now i finally realize
i did not hear their voices
I had ignored them-
and instead
i heard the voices of demons
the sound of fangs,
the terrible gnashing of teeth,
and instead
i wished i were prettier
smarter, not quite so...


But now i know
now i know that you cannot
trade security for freedom
because you will always be cheated

now i know that you
must not pick fights
because you will most often
be on the losing side

now i know that independence
is priceless and
freedom cannot be measured
by your Facebook friends

now i know that
strangeness and eccentricity gives
life to the boring mundane sameness

now i know.

to never sacrifice who you are.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Church can go to hell

This morning
I awoke to my mother
leaning over
and shaking
we are going to church
she informed

A hot
brick of hatred
was thrown
through my window
at that moment
and lodged
itself inside

I growled like
a wild dog
but with one gunshot
of a glance
I shut up
but continued
to rot
I put on ugly clothes
-my rebellion

we sat in church
the red cloth
hiding the red
the marks that were
burned into
perverse thoughts
ran through
my head
my anger
flared like an ugly rash

we all bowed
our heads
and looked prayerful
while i refused (-my rebellion)
I wouldn't pray
so why pretend
But I filed in line
and ate the
spirit of god
the hypocrisy boiled and
in my stomach

Sunday, September 28, 2014

On time

I have had this blog for an entire year- wow. 

Funny thing about time- it always goes quickest when we don't notice it.  Days months years may pass and we don't really realize it. You know that feeling sometimes when it hits you all at once. Wow! Am i really going to be eighteen? Wow! Did i really go to work everyday this week? the things we hate it goes so slowly in the moment and then as soon as we look back on it a part of it was lost, it doesn't seem so long or horrible. We regret doing it, yes. But we go anyway regardless of the idea of wasted time. Some people love wasting time, unfortunately I'm one of those people. I waste time and I'm bored with time and I'm never going to get those weeks of wasted time back.


My hands will never be large enough, or quick enough to catch all of the falling tears. Nor will i be strong enough to relieve others' burdens. I can only put bandaids on. I can only do so much, for i too, am sick.


I want my blood to boil and my heart to beat. 
My eyes to drink beautiful sights and my ears be overwhelmed. 
I want to eat too much and sleep too little. 
I want to laugh and dance and feel the sun on my shoulders. 
Drink in the cold air and shiver in warm rain. 
I want the extremes of life while i am young and can still take them.
Before responsibilities and constant fatigue and sickness.
I want to be shot through with feeling.
I want to be stabbed with aliveness. 
I want violence.

Sunday, July 13, 2014


Slow my woman blooms
unfamiliar Crescendo 
Only dreams of curled toes

Cigarette burns.   On
Arms to distract from pain
Of the mental sort

I treat holidays
Like work days and workdays like
Holidays too short

Feet and hands too cold
Stiff and bloated they hang   Like
Full orange moon In Sky

Sixteen years have past
I am on my seventeenth
Anything new dude?

Newfound Sexuality
Is discouraging

heavy feet, walk on water
slipping to bottom
everything green and blue